Some of the hardest moments in life begin with a reality we did not choose—an injury, a layoff, a relationship ending, a diagnosis, the loss of someone important, or a career suddenly closed.
Most people facing those moments do not see themselves as leaders. They are simply trying to understand what happened, manage what is immediately in front of them, and determine what to do next.
Leadership is not limited to a title, a team, or an organization. Whether or not we use the word “leader,” there is self-leadership in seeking support, recognizing what choices remain, and deciding what response is possible next.
Self-leadership does not mean blaming ourselves for what happened or believing we should handle everything alone. It means deciding where we still have agency and identifying the next response that remains ours to make.
Leadership Before the Title
Leadership is often defined by position. We picture the person making decisions, directing a team, or carrying responsibility for an organization.
But some of the most consequential acts of self-leadership happen in private. They happen when someone makes the difficult phone call, asks for help, attends the appointment, begins learning a new skill, has an honest conversation, or gets up and tries again.
Those decisions may not feel like leadership at the time.
When physical limitations changed the future I had planned in law enforcement, I was not thinking about demonstrating leadership. I was trying to understand what the change meant for my identity, my family, and the future I thought I had built.
I could not reverse what had happened or make the old plan fit the new reality. I could decide what to do next.
I studied mediation and arbitration at Capital University Law School. Later, life brought me back to construction—the industry my family had operated in when I was young and that I once swore I would never enter. Almost 20 years after first developing those skills, I used them to start a construction company.
I could not see where the path would eventually lead. I could only make the next reasonable decision with the information and abilities I had at the time.
Looking back, that was self-leadership. It was not having a perfect plan. It was accepting that the plan had changed and recognizing that the next purposeful step was still mine to choose.
Reinvention often looks inspiring in hindsight. While we are living through it, it usually feels more like uncertainty, responsibility, and moving before we feel completely ready.
What “Control the Controllables” Really Means
A common leadership phrase I return to often is “control the controllables.”
Used carelessly, those words can sound dismissive. They can imply that every hardship can be solved by changing our attitude or working harder. They can even make people feel responsible for conditions they did not create and cannot fix alone.
That is not what the principle should mean.
Some losses must be grieved. Some conditions require medical, professional, financial, or community support. Some barriers are structural and require action from people with greater authority. Some outcomes will never be ours to decide.
Controlling the controllables means directing our attention, preparation, and action toward the places where they can still make a difference.
I have learned to apply the principle this way:
Control what you can.Prepare for what you cannot.Act on what matters.
Control What You Can
What remains within our control will look different in every situation.
It may be the next phone call, the information we gather, the support we request, the routine we rebuild, the skill we begin learning, the boundary we establish, or the way we respond today.
We cannot control the pace of grief or recovery. We cannot control another person’s reaction. We cannot guarantee that an application will be accepted, an organization will change, or an opportunity will arrive when we want it.
We can decide whether to seek reliable information, accept appropriate help, prepare carefully, communicate honestly, and make the next choice available to us.
Controlling what we can is not about forcing an outcome. It is about recognizing that uncertainty has not taken away every choice.
Prepare for What You Cannot Control
We cannot prepare for every disruption. But when uncertainty is visible, preparation can create options and make the next decision more manageable.
Preparation may include considering different scenarios, strengthening a support network, requesting an accommodation, building a contingency plan, developing a new capability, or asking someone with the right expertise to help us understand our options.
Studying mediation taught me that progress rarely comes from trying to control another person’s decision. A mediator listens, works to understand the interests involved, clarifies the available options, and helps people identify what remains possible.
The same principle applies more broadly to our careers and organizations. We cannot control the economy, every organizational decision, or the pace at which technology and AI will change work. We can continue learning, strengthen transferable abilities, evaluate new tools responsibly, and help other people prepare.
Preparation does not guarantee the outcome. It gives us more options when the situation changes.
Act on What Matters
After we identify what remains within our control and prepare for what does not, we still have to act.
That action does not need to be dramatic. Sometimes the most purposeful step is resting long enough to recover. It may be attending an appointment, completing an application, taking a class, asking for assistance, having a difficult conversation, or trying again tomorrow.
The next step should fit the reality of the person taking it—not someone else’s timetable for how quickly they should recover or move forward.
I have learned to ask three questions:
- What matters most right now?
- What action will reduce the greatest risk or create the greatest possibility?
- What can I reasonably do next?
Purposeful action is not reckless, and it is not endless activity. It is choosing a meaningful next step without waiting for every uncertainty to disappear.
What This Means for Leaders
For people with formal leadership responsibility, “control the controllables” must never become a way to push systemic problems downward.
Employees cannot personally repair every broken process, supply missing resources, change a policy, or resolve a serious safety or staffing issue. Leaders remain responsible for influencing, escalating, and addressing problems that require authority.
When conditions change, leaders should help their teams answer:
- What can we control right now?
- What must we prepare for?
- What requires leadership intervention?
- What action matters most next?
People do not need false certainty. They need truthful context, clear priorities, defined ownership, appropriate support, and consistent follow-through.
That is leadership’s responsibility:
Set the standard. Build the system. Develop the people.
The Never Out of the Fight Mindset
The Never Out of the Fight mindset does not mean maintaining a permanent battle posture. It does not mean refusing to rest, hiding disappointment, grieving on a schedule, or carrying every burden alone.
Sometimes staying in the fight means allowing yourself time to heal. Sometimes it means changing the goal, accepting assistance, or recognizing that the next chapter will look different from the one you originally planned.
A person is not out of the fight because the next step is small, because progress is slower than expected, or because the path changed.
The mindset is about facing reality without allowing one painful chapter to make every decision that follows. It is preserving the ability to choose our response, prepare for what may come, and act when action becomes possible.
Control what you can.Prepare for what you cannot.Act on what matters.
Has life ever changed your plan in a way you did not choose? What was the first thing you realized was still within your control?
I would genuinely like to hear your story.